I have friends who sometimes mention their wonder at the fact that I never seem to have a major meltdown. Minor ones, yes. Sometimes even medium-sized ones. But major ones? I can't even identify the last time.
Tonight I realized why. I'm not "allowed" to. I mean, I would give myself permission if I thought I really needed it. Lord knows I've been close this week. I've felt alone, afraid, angry betrayed, hurt (physically and emotionally), bitter, maligned....and did I mention alone? The truth, it seems, is that the people in my life whom I would most like to lean on if I were to have a major meltdown won't allow me to do have one. Hell, half of the time they end up angry at me when I have minor ones. Evidently they have no space in their schema for me to be anything but some perfect, idealized version of me that has the endless ability to dig deep and push a little bit harder.
News flash- directed expressly at a couple of people who have managed to hurt my feelings deeply this week:
- I'm not perfect. Not even close on my best days.
- I'm entitled to my "bad" feelings. Don't deny me that, and don't vilify me for it.
- I'm trying to treat myself with a measure of kindness right now because I desperately need it. Why can't you join me in this effort?
- Come follow me around for a week. Then tell me that my life is only about me and that I'm selfish because I refuse to meet your every need and request.
- Fuck you.
There, I feel better having said it- and now you have a reason to be mad at me.
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Now playing: Reckless Kelly - Never Had A Chance
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