I think the time has finally come.
I've pondered where we're really going for weeks.....months....we even reached years recently.
A few months ago we had a discussion about ending things, not because we don't love each other but precisely because we do and there are limitations in both of our lives we can't overcome. We agreed to stay together because we've always made each other happy and because we both deserve some happiness in our lives. We both deserve someone who "gets" us. You are, after all, one of two boys who describes me as someone who "puts people back together"- and the other one who uses that phrase is 3 years old. I understand your workaholic behavior and utter impatience with folly.
But I'm not happy anymore, at least not where you're concerned.
I've struggled with us, with you in particular, quite a bit in the last few weeks. You came up short when I needed you. Admittedly, I haven't told you that but I think that's because you hurt me by doing nothing. You hurt me a lot. I honestly didn't need much- I just needed to know that even though you were busy that you were out there and that I still matter. 30 seconds. One phone call. Instead I fell asleep in my hotel room in Chicago scared and alone and wondering if you are capable of meeting me halfway.
Then I realized how different our needs are in terms of defining love and caring. While I recognized that I can and have managed to learn to communicate your way, I began wondering if you're actually capable of the "little things" I need in terms of words and actions. I concluded you probably aren't, but I was willing to let you show me otherwise.
Two nights ago you gave me some hope that you actually could reach past your comfort zone to let me know that I'm important to you and that you're worried about me right now. It took you less than 24 hours to screw that up and turn things back around to meeting your emotional needs. I find that impressive, and not in a positive way. It made me angry. Incredibly angry. It also made me realize that at the end of all of this I'm still alone, and sometimes I'm alone even when you're available.
It's time for us to let go of each other. I can't keep giving 110% of myself to this, to us, and not have you compromise more than you have. I love you or I wouldn't have hung on this long. But I'm done trying. I've got nothing left to give to us.
And as much as I'm going to miss you, I realize that I won't miss the frustration of knowing that at the end of the day you can't put me back together. I wish you could. I wish you would. After two years, I know better. You won't, and you can't.
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