I'm sitting here trying to get myself enthused for Church Council tonight, and I'm having a tough time getting into the right frame of mind. I know, that sounds decidedly un-Christian, and I really don't intend for it to. But I've been struggling for at least the last 6 months with my role in my current church, a place that's been my spiritual home for nearly a decade and that has become a bit like that pair of cherished shoes that don't quite fit anymore.
Those who know me know that I consider myself a "cradle Methodist". Methodism has been my denominational home for as long as I can remember. I know the structural workings of our church better than many. I nearly went to divinity school, and probably would have if medical school hadn't happened. Religion and spirituality have played a long-standing and central role in my life.
As an adult my church selection has always been predicated on the church having an activist spirit, a compassionate heart, and a musical soul, and I've traditionally been very fortunate to find someplace that met my spiritual needs, even with the moving about in the name of education. That's how I ended up with my current congregation, and I still believe there is lots of good there.
But I'm feeling profoundly disengaged, and as that's been a problem in many other areas of my life it's been highlighted in this context. After our building renovations the "late" Sunday service got moved to 10:30 a.m. While I could come skidding into the 11 a.m. service after rounds and patient care responsibilities on Sunday mornings (which are, unfortunately, many of my Sundays- at least when I'm home), 10:30 is not possible. It requires too much rushing, and I feel like it compromises my care for my patients. So.....I'm lucky if I make it to worship services one Sunday a month, and I've honestly only made 2 Sundays that I can recall since Christmas. When you're someone for whom church is a place to be engaged with your spiritual community - and for me it is- that makes it really tough to stay engaged. Impossible, really. The fact that it has removed the possibility of singing in choir from my life borders on devastating. That was my one "sacred space" that I managed to consistently maintain all through medical school and residency. To lose it now is somewhere between frustrating and demoralizing.
Ironically, I'm about halfway through my 2nd year as a workarea chair. Which workarea? Membership and Nurture. Yep, you read that right- and I'm well aware that it adds to the irony. I'm leading the workarea that is supposed to connect with people who are disengaging from our congregation, when I myself am tremendously so.
So, I'm trying to get ready for Church Council tonight. I'm trying to go with an open mind. I'm trying to get past the pieces of this that are about me and look at it for the greater good of what I might be contributing. I do this feeling completely inauthentic, though, because I really am faking it right now. I don't want to be there. I don't feel like I really have a spot there. And while my friends and "family" who are there do their best to help me feel otherwise when I can be there, it just doesn't work for me like it used to.
Now to figure out what to do with the shame of my discontent....
Happiness/ Gratitiude List, 17 June:
- Hugs (bear hugs!) from my favorite 3 1/2 year old. He helps put me back together.
- How amazing it feels to sit down and play piano, even for only 10 minutes. A little Schubert never hurt anyone- but where is my Schumann book?
- Gaining some control, at least temporarily, of the madness that is my life.
- Air conditioning!
----------------
Now playing: Patty Griffin - Burgundy Shoes
via FoxyTunes