Practice loving-kindness.
Those are the three words I've been trying to focus on this week.
Quite honestly, I've adapted them somewhat, maybe coopted them depending upon your viewpoint.
Practice compassion. Especially toward Amalia.
This is what I've tried to focus on, tried to think about at least once a day.
Generally speaking, I don't find practicing compassion towards people around me to be difficult at all. I admit that there are undoubtedly times when I simply have nothing left to give to anyone; those are the times that practicing compassion becomes challenging, and are also the times when I find it the hardest to practice compassion toward myself.
In that sentence lies what I have identified as my greatest personal failure over the last months to year. I know, I'm supposed to be loving and kind to myself- and I assure you that I have been. I also have to be honest with myself, and the honesty lies in the recognition of my success in taking care of everyone but me. I do a lousy job setting boundaries and saying no when it's issues of defending my personal life and time that I need for me- be that simply time to recharge or be it time to have my soul put back together by the things and people I'm passionate about.
What I'm learning is that no one will defend that space of self for me. Sadly, I work in a profession where not defending that space is condoned- and at times encouraged. But I desparately, deeply need those things that are unique to myself to be brought back into my world. I've always prided myself on the dimensions that I have away from what is supposed to be an all-consuming profession. I'm not proud of how I've allowed those dimensions to be sanded away, little by little, over the last three years until I've become this almost-flat being that I hardly recognize at times (and whom I find a bit boring). It's disconcerting.
I'm working, bit by bit, on reclaiming myself and the space for that self. Right now it's going reasonably well, but I'm also in a phase where my clinical work isn't so grueling. I'm not fatigued physically from the long days nor am I fatigued emotionally by trying to take care of everyone else. I know that maintaining me will become inherently more challenging once I'm back in those positions. The good news is that I have a few more weeks to figure out how to address that challenge....this may get interesting.
Happiness/ Gratitude list, 20 June version:
- Being challenged intellectually.
- Walking to work this morning. It was beautiful.
- Playing piano, just for a little while, most nights this week. I have missed making music.
- Freshly laundered sheets to sleep on. Which I must go put on the bed in 3....2......
Goodnight.
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Now playing: Reckless Kelly - One False Move
via FoxyTunes