I had this crazy epiphany about the relationship with The Boy yesterday.
I was kicking around the idea of power differentials in relationships. It's something that Lee and I were talking about in the context of my professional struggles the other day, and I've realized that it has equal or more value in considering my relationship with The Boy. Why?
Because I somehow took a left turn and gave him almost all of the power in our relationship. I've got no one to blame but me. I gave him that power. He willingly took it, and ultimately he has taken advantage of it.
It seems ironic, doesn't it? Smart, sassy, independent me. It feels particularly ironic in light of the fact that he has often said that one of the reasons he fell for me is because of just those qualities. In hindsight I think that his very structured self became fascinated with my free-spirit self; he needs someone in his life who isn't all about structure and rules and having to be at Place A at Time B (for those who are puzzled, please recognize that I am only about structure when work requires it- it is not my primary m.o., and that's why I am always, always 5 minutes late). I think somehow, somewhere all of this got jumbled up. He got his need for that person, that freer spirit than his, mixed up with being in love with me. I mistook his need for that person for being in love with me. And when I was willing to believe that he really was in love with me, I was willing to let him make the rules. I was willing to bend in many, many ways to accommodate him.
Then I realized he wasn't bending at all to accommodate me. If he has, I can' t identify when that's been. It's always been him asking me to change plans, adjust my schedule, come see him- when the reality is that my life is as hectic as his. And while I put up with this for a long time, I'm not willing to any more. That's the breaking point. I want my power in our relationship back. I'm smart enough to realize when I take my power back that I'm declaring us over without actually saying those words. And while I will miss the good parts of him, they aren't enough to make up for his lack of flexibility. They aren't enough to make up for his lack of willingness to bend to make us work.
Am I wrong to acknowledge that I feel the weight of the world off of my shoulders since I figured this out? I feel like I can breathe when I think about him for the first time in months- as opposed to this suffocating, drowning sense I've had when dealing with him since January and the California fiasco. That alone should tell me something.
Happiness/Gratitude list, 19 July 2008 edition:
- Compliments at 2 a.m. in the trauma bay on the freshened-up hair color. It's actually a darker auburn than we usually do, but I love it. Evidently so do most of the girls who work in the ER
- Sleeping in, even if the cause was a rough call night. Going to bed at 6 a.m. doesn't rock. Sleeping late with kitties does.
- Getting a great reminder that my friends really are okay when work precludes me being able to stick with plans we try to make. I still feel awful about missing the Farmer's Market with Kathy and the kids today, but I was waaay too incoherent when I called her at 8 a.m. to even think about going. The good news is that she is wonderful and supportive and we made back-up plans. Farmer's market, us, the kids, 3rd Saturday of August. Now we just have to find a way to get together before then.
- I purged some stuff in the name of recycling today. No more old cell phones lying around the house. And the packaging peanuts that were invading the pantry? Gone!
- Daddy is here :)
- I hung my Buffalo Moon painting over my bed this evening. It is perfect-perfect. I adore it. Here's hoping I can put the buffalo to good use overcoming my weaknesses.
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Now playing: Gary Allan - We Touched The Sun
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