Feeling blah tonight, sorta worn-out, sorta nauseated. I took my vitamins about two hours after last eating, and I know better (explaining the nausea). The worn-out is meeting related. On balance the meeting stuff has been good- today was much better than yesterday, or at least more invigorating in a broader spiritual sense. But being "on" and around people all of the time is wearing on me (Introvert! Introvert!), and I'm starting to feel crappy from being away from my usual food patterns. My walk this afternoon was as much an act of sanity preservation (alone time!) as an act of taking care of myself. I know, I get to go home tomorrow night- and I have a feeling I'll be at a dead run from tomorrow when I land until about Thursday. I'm insanely over-programmed for the next couple of days, but I've got lots of stuff that needs to be tended to. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I suppose. And that "lots of stuff" doesn't even factor in not having any idea how Cassi is doing in my absence. If she's still punky or if she's lost weight, we have a vet trip in our future on Wednesday. Maybe I'm just feeling nauseated from recognizing everything I'm facing when I get home.
I'm a little disappointed in church-related stuff. Mid-portion of last week I sent out an email to our work area telling them that I was intending to step down and explaining why. I also specifically asked for feedback about what people wanted to do with the July meeting since I have a schedule conflict and I had agreed to host. Am I a bad person for feeling put-off that I've received NO feedback about the meeting, nor any comments on my stepping down? I know that not everyone is on their email as compulsively as I tend to be, but I figured that 5 days was enough time to start hearing something. Maybe I'm selfish for expecting that. Or maybe my gestalt was more on-target than I gave myself credit for. Sometimes my ability to intuit is more of a curse than a blessing.....
Meanwhile The Boy is badgering me to come see him on my way home. We had initially talked about it but his window of opportunity is hours at best (seriously), and I decided last week that a few hours wasn't going to cut it after how May and June went for us. Now that I've scheduled three appointments for Wednesday, it's an absolute no-go. The attention is certainly nice :) That said, I continue to grapple with where we are and what we're doing in the greater scheme of things. I think the simple fact that I continue to question if this is really worth saving may contain the answer in the question. Once Lee and I have a better fix on the professional stuff, The Boy is the next topic we'll be hitting. I'm really starting to believe that I just have to be brave and admit it's not working like I want/ need it to, and that I'm pretty sure it can't.
Exhausted, really, and can't think straight. List time, then bed time.
Happiness/ Gratitude List, 14 July Edition:
- The entertainment that was dealing with our Meyers/ Briggs typing this morning as one of the meeting exercises. I remain incredibly consistent over the years, and mine still says that my personality type tends to end up in pathology or psychiatry. Nothing is perfect, right? (INFP, if anyone is wondering or cares....)
- Positive feedback on the needs assessment I've generated for the church. The serendipity of many of the items I put on there is uncanny- mostly because I wrote most of it long before I had named the issues I was having. (and yes, I'm grateful for the positive feedback even in the face of my above comments)
- Realizing that in spite of my recent angst/ struggles that I am doing a damn fine job writing my own destiny from a professional standpoint.
- A supper invitation I had to turn down tonight. While I was so sorry that I couldn't go to supper with Kristen, I was really glad that she called. My Girl Friends are spectacular!
- Going home tomorrow. Home is good. Home is centering. Home is where the things (and critters) I love are.
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