When I sat down a few minutes ago, I had every intention of having a brain dump about work/career stuff. My "blah" earlier today was predicated on a pretty significant setback relating to my research and funding resources; the result is another round of questioning, "Can I do what I want to do while I'm working in Utah? Do I change my goals to stay here- and if I do is that selling out? Or do I stick with what I've been saying I want to do and find a better 'home' for doing it?" As Brene Brown says, "I want to do work that I love and work that might make the world a kinder, gentler place." I see glimpses of that with the things that we're learning with my research. I see full-focus pictures of it with the residents I get to work with. But there comes a question of sustainability, and that's what I'm grappling with personally and emotionally. At what cost to me and being true to myself is this happening? Wrestling with these demons while wearing a dress and heels is incredibly hard to do gracefully, and today I'm not being graceful at all.
As I sat down to start on that topic I was also reminded that I have a meeting in the morning with our senior minister at church. This meeting is, of course, driven by my resignation from the work area that I've led for the last 18 months and my explanation that this resignation is a result of me feeling disengaged from our church. I'm obligated to clarify that statement because there are a number of people who are wonderful and supportive and who make it feel like home when I manage to get there (and who check up on me when I don't). But in the larger life of our church, in feeling like I'm playing a role there and that I'm connected? Not so much. Which leads me to some ramblings on that concept of holding spirit sacred that has been deviling me the last few days.
It's easiest for me to think about holding spirit sacred in children. Think about being 4 years old. Don't worry, it's been a while for me too. Think for a moment about the spirit of a child before society has a chance to dig into it, before we learn judging and before we really care about what people think. Spirit is what moves us, and at the age of 4 it is beautiful and blameless and knows nothing but love. Spirit is what connects the child self to the world around that self. I suppose it can be thought of as a cocktail containing intuition, passion, devotion, and wonder. In children, particularly in young children, we hold those concepts as inviolate. We try to make those ideals immune from outside interference. We love unconditionally, and we commit to encouraging passion and wonder. We hold these ideals sacred.
Then that day comes when we're told there's not really a Santa Claus or Easter Bunny; in my mind that marks the beginning of our often precipitous slide into not adequately respecting intuition, passion, devotion, and wonder. In short, we start becoming adults. To use my word of the day, "Blech!"
What if all of us committed to living in a way that treasures- or at least places great value- on intuition, passion, devotion, and wonder? How different would our lives and relationships be? How different would my own life be? I know that I have a bad habit of leaving the "wonder" component out of that cocktail.
Maybe, just maybe, it really is time for a gut check (I know that for me it is). And maybe my two topics for the night aren't as far apart as I thought they were.....
Happiness/ Gratitude list, 22 July 2008
- A happy visit to Aunt Kate (our vet) for Tucker this morning. He's at 10 lbs, 12 oz., which has been declared a good weight. He's healthy. And he actually got mad while having his bum checked. I've never seen him even remotely irate before. The good part of seeing this is it helped me to recognize that he really is happy with me. That sounds sort-of insecure, doesn't it?
- A really terrific visit with Daddy. It was great having him here, and not just because he helped me get a few house projects done.
- Rain this afternoon. It was beautiful. I hope that it helped my poor, parched yard.
- Quesadillas. They're comfort food. Honestly.
- Getting to have a moment tonight that illuminated for me that I am making a difference doing the work I love. Somehow the young and still-idealistic seem to "get it" much better than most of my senior colleagues.
----------------
Now playing: Wade Bowen - Crazy Enough
via FoxyTunes