My thought to emphasize this week is the conjoint concept of understanding shame and practicing resilience. At first pass, I had trouble putting these two things together. Then I had this moment when it started to click for me.
Shame makes us uncomfortable. It's a hurtful emotion, one that merits "Mr. Yuk Face" (you know, the little poison control dude). It is based in the idea of being judged and of failing to measure up to that judgment- be it our own, that of our friends, or of people we love. Shame is a roadblock in that practicing it keeps us from exploring our potential. Shame bogs us down in the ideas of what we should have done, what we could have done and it preys on our fears of imperfection. In short, shame destroys us at our core and it keeps us from fulfilling our best potential.
Shame is something I've been wrestling with, indirectly, for the last several months. No, truly I have. When I started realizing that I felt like my world was falling apart from every conceivable aspect I kept pushing and trying to "put on my big girl panties and deal with it." At work I'm not allowed to admit that things aren't working because I'm a surgeon and we don't do that, right? The fact that I was depressed because I had abrogated my personal life for a career that was making me miserable? Another admission of failure, it would seem. Struggling with issues of faith and my relationship to the church? Just pray harder and have an open heart- it's obviously that I'm not trying hard enough. My greatest struggle in my 30s was moving past my assumption that I am "average" and that I don't ever do great things in my life; the month of May was a test of how far I've come with that. Honestly, I only get a C- in how I did with it because I let those shame voices get the best of me. I let them tell me that I wasn't doing my job like it should be done. I let them tell me that things weren't going to get better because I was the problem and I wasn't fixable. I let them tell me that my problems relating to my church home of 10 years were entirely predicated on my own failures. I let them call into question pretty much every part of my life, and I answered by acknowledging my inadequacy.
So, yeah, I've got this "understanding shame" thing down to a T. And the last month or so? That's been the "practicing resilience" part of the puzzle as best I can tell, and it's definitely still a work in progress. I've realized that there's no shame in feeling like I'm giving up too much of my life for my career- no matter how passionate I may be about that career- and that it's okay to look for ways to fix that. I've realized that there's no shame in admitting that I'm lousy at setting boundaries because of my Type A, workaholic, overachiever hardwiring- and that it's okay for me to ask people in my life to help me set boundaries. I've realized that there's no shame in admitting that I'm really, really having a tough time figuring out my relationship with The Boy- and that it's okay for me to have that ambivalence. I've realized that there's no shame in saying, "Hey, I'm not feeling the connection that I need here" with my church family- and that it's okay to provide specifics for things that can be done better.
I'm not going to profess that I've got it all figured out because I'm not even close. I know that the Shame Monster will rear his ugly head at some totally inopportune time, and I know that I will undoubtedly have to overcome my fears of not measuring up to standards of greatness more than once more in my life. But maybe, just maybe, if I'm practicing compassion towards myself and those around me and if I'm willing to live imperfectly but enthusiastically - maybe then I'll have a softer place to fall next time.
Happiness/ Gratitude list, 6 July 2008 edition:
- My first serious weight workout in a long, long time. I'll probably pay for it in the morning, but it was great this morning.
- Church this morning, and having the opportunity to reconnect with some people I've really, really missed and who provide a tremendous blessing to my life. It actually felt good to be there, and that's the first time in a long time.
- Putting together a lecture I'm giving on Wednesday. I was asked by the residents to talk to them about how to be a good teacher. The simple fact that I was asked to give the talk is an honor, but I'm having fun putting it together too.
- The Boy. I can't believe he made the list. But we talked again tonight, and it was really, really good.
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Now playing: Mary Chapin Carpenter - Quittin' Time
via FoxyTunes