I came across a sentence today that I found incredibly interesting because of the particular relevance to The Boy and my decision to take some time off from our relationship.
"You work on your issues, do a whole load of forgiveness, boost your self-esteem, live a life where you are committed to you and self-love, and radiating positivity, and then see if you still want the same guy…"
Why did this strike me so much? It had everything to do with the specific words that I used with him. I told him that I am struggling too much with me right now and with getting all of this work-life balance stuff dealt with. I also told him that he's a messy component of the big picture, and that I was pretty sure I couldn't deal with that right now because it's too much for me. And it is because we have become so much about him. This doesn't mean that I adore him, and it doesn't mean that I regret any of our history together the last two years. He's been amazing for me in many ways, and I have grown because of us. He has also, at long last, provided me with the groundwork to understand my trail of disastrous relationships- albeit unwittingly.
Interestingly, as I work on my issues and I work on my commitment to being happy and secure in this life I've chosen (or that I've been called to...whatever....that's for another day), I'm pretty certain I don't want the same guy. At the end of the day, and as I've said several times before, he's not who I need. And ultimately I'm not who he needs either.
Amazingly, I am very much at peace with this. That alone tells me how right my decision is.
Happiness/ Gratitude List, 1 August 2008:
- Even though it's posted on my "other" blog, I'm back under 140#. I'm really proud of myself because I busted it in July with food and workouts to get here. I feel great, too.
- Being in a place where I can stop for a minute and find good things even in those people who I sometimes allow to drive me to distraction. I just have to convince the 4-year-old me to not be reactive :)
- Hanging on to my commitment to teach, teach, teach. And having fun with it!
- Hugs from a 7-year-old patient. I would not trade the connections I'm able to have with some of the people who are entrusted to my care.
- The entertainment that is turning around in my desk chair to find Tucker Ted sunny-side up right behind me. Silly boy!
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