It's been a day of ups and downs, so I need to navel-gaze for a moment.

I had a great conversation with Leigh about a potential research project. It's something that we can definitely make happen, it would get federal funding for me (which is allegedly the criteria for me "retiring" from taking trauma call), and it would be a great project. So that gave me at least 10 minutes of optimism.

But I'm very frustrated about a last-minute request that was made of me today and that is costing me my day off on Friday. Yes, I agreed to help and I understand that no was an option. But I agreed to help more for the sake of my residents and patients than anything else- were those two things not in play it would have been an immediate no. I feel dumped on and taken advantage of. Again. And I don't know how to effectively express that in a non-conflictual way. Before you think, "Well maybe it's an emergency", the askee knew months ago about the need for help.

I'm so glad that my post-burnout-meltdown commitment to taking care of myself is working out so well (yes, that's my sarcastic voice you're hearing). And I'm realizing that my initial impression that the problem wasn't me but the environment in which I'm functioning may have been far more accurate than I suspected. I had recently begun to think that maybe I had just been angry, tired, and accusatory in June. I'm now wondering why I so often blame myself for things in which my own culpability is minimal.

Navel-gazing moment over. If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.