I'm brain-dumping for a few minutes before I head to the OR again.....hoping to be out by 7 tonight.

I'm struggling a lot- even though I've had a couple of people tell me I seem to be doing it effortlessly. As those of you who know my life at all are aware, sporadic musings imply complete pandemonium at work. And utter exhaustion for me. I admit it- I'm physically exhausted, and some of our families have been emotionally exhausting to deal with as well. My eating has been awful. I haven't worked out in almost two weeks. I was supposed to sing at church this weekend and it's not going to happen because I haven't been able to rehearse. I've slept the night through 3 times in the last two weeks, but two of those involved fewer than 6 hours of sleep total. Last night Igot home and found that the cats are running out of food and litter- and that their water bowl was dry. It's bad enough that I can't take care of me right now, but failing at taking care of them? Hell, I have cats because it's supposed to be "easy".

So the issue isn't that I am incapable of doing what I'm doing. I love what I get to do in my job- and that love is what keeps me doing it when I am at the depths of my misery and exhaustion. But so what if I can do this if the cost is what it seems to have been? I've lost yet another relationship this year because of my career. Hell, I lost myself for a while and I'm just not willing to do that. It's not okay.

With that, my dehydration headache and I are off to the OR for an awful case that I'm miserable about doing.

Sorry for whining. I'm just at my end right now and don't have much else to say.

And if someone could send some kitty litter and Iams (orange bag variety) by the house I wouldn't argue.....Good Lord my life is pathetic......