A little bit scared, a little bit brave.
Borrowed from a 2 1/2 year old (check the Ordinary Courage link in the sidebar), but it's what I've been trying to articulate for a couple of weeks now.
I'm a little bit scared. I've got lots of changes coming, many of which I've been asking for and many of which I'm fundamentally excited about.
I'm a little bit brave. I know what I've conquered to get to where I am, and I know I can keep doing some amazing things- and it's crystallizing for me that I can do many of these things on my terms. I'm feeling really brave about that.
So, if I'm going to redefine the rules again, do I really have to give up those things that I've always said I didn't want and didn't need? Was I speaking the truth, or was I doing what was easiest so that I couldn't fail? If I look at the trail of relationships that's back there....well, let's just say that I was setting myself up for relationship failure and it may have been more deliberate than I realized. If the relationships are designed to fail, I don't have to worry about making a commitment work with the rest of my life, right?
For those who are thinking I may have lost it, or am in the process, let me clarify a little. I've always, always said, "No marriage, no kids." I've been adamant about it, I've perpetually argued that I can't see how it would work with the rest of my life no matter how much I may love children and how good I may be with them. I accepted those things as my major trade-off that I made so that I could maybe, just maybe, hang onto the other parts of my personal life that are important to me.
Then I spent the last two years having those things that I had declared off -limits being stolen from me, one by one. Sure, I allowed it to happen....sort-of. For those who know the system I work in, you know I don't stand alone in my culpability. This place can and will eat you alive given the chance, and I gave it the chance. Then I broke my foot, got PSGN, and figured out that The Boy was useless to me, all in the course of about a month. Oh, and turned 40 during that same time frame.
And now that I've insisted on getting myself and my soul- and the things that define me- back, maybe I'm a little power mad. Maybe I'm thinking that I've got little left to lose. Maybe I've realized that in the course of making it clear to people what I really want and need that I've been met with love and support at every turn.
I'm not saying I'm going to run off and get married next week, or that I'll be knocked up in no time flat. But I'm throwing away that whole, "I don't want that" idea, and I'm packing up "I'm too old anyway" with it. I don't know where any of it will lead and in a year I may be back at the "no marriage, no babies" spot I started from. I'm just exploring, thinking, wondering a bit- just to see where it might take me and what it might mean.
Happiness/ Gratitude List, 16 October 2008 List:
- Home. It's good to be here with the kittens. I missed them. They appear to have missed me.
- 7 more days of the trauma service. Ever. Starting tomorrow morning.
- Realizing that wisdom and perspective in life can come from amazing and unexpected sources. I got more than I asked for or expected from a friend on the work-life balance thing today. It was a little humbling, but it also made me grateful that these things just "happen".
- Being a little bit scared. And a little bit brave. And being okay with both.
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