I'm modestly exasperated.
Just modestly, but exasperated nevertheless.
I was halfway there just on the basis of being tired. Then I went to the laundry room to find that the "crash" I heard about 30 minutes ago was my bottle of laundry detergent, which was all over the floor. I know- relatively trivial. I'm just tired and therefore marginally grumpy anyway. The bathroom reconstruction is now on hold until next week because of my travel demands. Ugh. I want my shower back.
This morning's phone call from The Boy didn't help a bit. He "misses" me. Um, you should have thought about that 6 months ago. You're not part of my life anymore, not on any serious basis, and I'm not interested in inviting you back. You don't need to know that I'm almost done taking trauma call, or that I've got a cool new thing going on at work, or that my cat died, or....well, any of it really. While I still can't hate him, I have no trouble remembering that he has no role here at this point. I don't know why he bothers to try.
Speaking of cat, I need to go pick her ashes up tomorrow. Shit. I'm thinking tomorrow is a no-mascara morning; I'm tired of it running, and I sense I've probably got one more cathartic cry left.
And...I'm struggling because I really want to be supportive of someone I care about who has some truly frustrating stuff going on. I'm struggling because I just don't know exactly what to offer him, what would be most helpful. I just keep trying to be here and hoping that I'm clear enough that I am- and that the knowledge of that is enough. Ironically, I want to take him with me in the morning to run up to the vet but am too much of a chicken-shit to ask. I am almost certain he would do it, but I also know he's got his own "stuff" going on right now and I'm doing my best to respect that. It's a difficult balance.
Honestly, life isn't all horrid and bad. I'm just tired from call and not sleeping well- between those two things it's been Friday night since I had a good night's rest. Tired. And having reinforced why the end of my relationship with trauma is a very good thing since I am supposed to be doing intellectual work this week- hard to be effective when tired.
Whining aside, here's the happiness/ gratitude list, 5 November 2008 edition:
- Interviewing new resident candidates this morning. Somehow, it's always fun.
- Feeling a little less outside-of-my-comfort-zone during our curriculum meeting today. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this. I'm becoming suspicious we're all lost together, but whatever it takes.
- Snow today. Somehow it just rights lots of things. Even if my toes are cold (already).
- Tucker T. Because I'm constantly thankful for him right now. How could I not be?
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