Being Christmas week, I've had the opportunity to read more-than-a-few holiday greetings from friends who are scattered many, many places.
Granted, some of them are the generic holiday catch-up letter. I can't be critical of that since it's my usual m.o. This year I did get cards out (mailed the last ones on Christmas Eve!) but I can't say I included my usual chatty update letter. It wasn't for lack of time to work on it. It was more a question of trying to summarize this year- the good, the bad, the ugly. It just couldn't fit neatly on a page. So it didn't.
The bad news for you, readers? Yep, YOU get the summary. At yoga tonight we used some time to reflect on the year (is it wrong to cry a little during yoga, and not because of the physical effort?!?) and to start thinking about what we want our next year to be. Since I'm one up on next year (dare, and I'm already practicing), I really was in a place to think about what the last 12 months have been....and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is definitely a good summary.
Here's the recap:
January: A long weekend in SoCal, trying to spend a little time with The Boy. Starting to feel like I was drowning in that relationship. Great (work-related) trip to DC. Rocked the Journal of Burn Care with multiple articles :)
February: Bought myself the best sparkly Valentine's gift ever (I wear it on my wrist for those who haven't met it). Valentine's weekend trip to the Hill Country for some great music (two nights of Reckless at Gruene Hall = heaven!). Got blown off by The Boy, which didn't sit well. Trained like a fiend for the April MS150.
March: More cycling, a couple of trips to the homeland to ride and listen to great music....Oh, and the first clue I was burning out in my inability to make an Easter weekend flight to Austin. For me to miss a flight to Austin things must be getting ugly.
April: The annual Houston to Austin bike trip was, yet again, a success. In spite of headwinds and crosswinds throughout. And, of course, I got some terrific time with Mom. The Boy continued to act like a dolt.
May: Annual Burn Meeting in Chicago. I got a lovely strep infection in my foot. I got post-infectious glomerulonephritis from the strep (there are really few things as joyous as waking up to hematuria, your own). Fractured left foot. Birthday, which consisted of a great dinner with a great friend since I wouldn't let anyone make a big deal out of it.
June: Meltdown. Completely, total meltdown. I declared myself to be the most intolerable, bitchy person on Earth (because I was for a few weeks when I stopped coping). 2nd DC trip of the year, this one beneficial for my research. Didn't go rafting on the Alsek as intended, thanks to above mentioned health issues. Hid out in the Hill Country instead, had a few beers, listened to some great music, ate too much Tex-Mex. Told The Boy to get lost. Decided that "work stuff" (i.e. call and trauma) had until the end of the year for some resolution to occur.
July: Started putting myself back together for real. 3rd DC trip of the year (sheesh!). Daddy visit! Not enough time outdoors, mostly thanks to the foot recovery. Cassi got a little sick, then rallied. Told The Boy to get lost.
August: Whirlwind trip to Georgia to see family. Abnormal mammogram (shit!). Ultrasound consistent with fibroadenoma (thank heavens!). Made myself escape up to Granddaddy Basin on a random day off, and didn't regret it for a moment. Continued to tell The Boy to get lost, even if he did have a few good minutes.
September: Uh, epic run on the burn service. Admitted 188% in TBSA in 4 days. Amazingly, only one death. Run of big admissions coincides with Ike hitting Galveston- something I couldn't pry myself away from in spite of my sleep deprivation. Submit bunches of ABA abstracts for 2009, have all of them accepted (in November). Oh, and I spent most of the month making fun of Sarah Palin (something I continued throughout the electoral season).
October: Obsessive grant-writing, and I'll let you know about that one in March. San Fran for the College of Surgeons meeting, which allowed me to see several people I don't get to see enough. Had one of my highlight days of the year playing in the Uintas with someone who has become a treasured friend. Got my "ticket" out of trauma by being offered a curriculum job by the Dean's office; God works in mysterious ways. And, within days of both of these last two things, Cassi-kitty went into renal failure. I still miss my friend of 15 1/2 years.
November: Yoga became part of the Sunday/ Tuesday schedule. Burn Unit site verification went well and I was awed with some compliments that were passed my way. Santa Fe (for work, but with play included). Chicago (for work, and it sucked). A much calmer run in the burn unit than the September episode. Pumpkin bourbon cheesecakes nearly killed me- not with their artery-clogging properties, but because I had forgotten the complexity of the recipe. Belle! moved in on Thanksgiving night, and she provides daily reasons to be thankful.
December: I cancelled my Hawaii vacation (GASP!), and have a great time being lazy at home instead. I skied for the first time in almost 2 years (yes, I'm ashamed to admit that). I got the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time with a dear friend who I tend not to see enough. Daddy visited for a week, and even though we're sort-of confined to quarters due to the weather we had a great time. I sang not one but two Christmas Eve services at church (yikes!). And, on the 31st I'll take my last night of trauma call.
I know, pretty quotidian in many ways- and listing the "events" somehow fails to capture what all has really gone on. I've had my heart broken in more ways than one and more than once- all in the last calendar year. I've managed for part of that year to love everyone but myself, and I've spent the rest of the year working on loving me too. I've struggled with my faith in both the greater theological sense and in the everyday sense. I have been imperfect, sometimes painfully so, and I have learned that messiness and imperfection aren't truly bad things. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out- because I assuredly don't- but I'm learning to be more graceful while wallowing in the ambiguity of it all.
A confession: The last year? Arguably one of the toughest of my life. Period. I've had some of my biggest and scariest "alone" times in the last 12 months. They weren't fun.
A confession: The last year? I've learned more about me in the last 12 months (6 months, really) than in any concentrated period of my life. Amazingly, I really like most of what I've learned- and I'm working on those things that make me a little uncomfortable.
A confession: The last year? I can't say I want to do it over, but I think I've come out the other side better and richer for every bit of it. For the first time in my grown-up life I'm finally able to articulate the things that I want and that I need. And, remarkably, many of them are coming to pass...one at a time.
This year, I will dare.
I'm ready.
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Now playing: Lee Ann Womack - The Story of My Life
via FoxyTunes