We're moving to that last week of the year when everyone starts coming up with their lists of what they'll do better in the new year than in the old.
I've never been a fan of resolutions. Never. I believe in having goals, just like the good overachiever that I am. But resolutions? They always struck me as a way to set ourselves up to fail. Hell, sometimes I can't make it through goals for a single month (has anyone seen my November fitness goals?!?), much less 12 of them.
I suspect that my aversion to resolutions also rests in that "P" part of my Meyers-Briggs Profile. For those familiar with Meyers- Briggs typing, I'm an INFP. We'll use another day to discuss that being an INFP is completely, utterly inconsistent with being a surgeon. For those less familiar, a "P" is someone a "perceiver", who stands in opposition to the "J" who uses "judgment". Js like structure and regimen. Ps are free spirits, given over to acting on whims, people who are not fans of structure. While I'm completely structured in my clinical work- where others are depending upon my leadership- I think I've pretty clearly established a lack of structure in the rest of my life, or at least an open-endedness. Part of my Great Meltdown of 2008 was, I believe, a response to trying to have too much structure in my life. I've been happier since the rebellion. I suspect that my "P"ness contributes heavily to my lack-of-love for the structure of resolutions.
Nevertheless, after a year like this past year (holy Hell it's been wild, and I suppose that's something we can discuss elsewhere, too, perhaps in a year-end summary), I believe in the value of having a theme for my year. My challenge to myself, and to each of you, is to summarize that theme in a word. One word. One. That's it.
When I started pondering on this idea a month or so ago I thought I had settled on an answer. This year I've gone back to basics, I've been writing again, I've been taking lots of pictures. I even drew a little (and I do not consider myself a skilled visual artist). The point of all of that was to reconnect with my creativity, and I'll admit that's been one of the great sources of grounding in my life this year. In light of that, I had decided that the 2009 theme word was "create". It seemed to fit.
Then I had one of those days last week when I'm more scared than brave, when I have a shame storm/ shit storm that just got out of control. The down-side of creativity and existing in an emotional world like mine? Stories. I tell great stories. I tell spectacular stories, and sometimes the most spectacular (and least reasonable) stories are the ones that get going when I'm having one of those episodes. Last week it was the story about me being insecure. That one tries my last nerve, and in all honesty I need to stop cooperating with it.
So, the stories. I create them. While "create" can be incredibly rich and valuable, for me it can be a double-edged sword. My original idea behind the choice of "create" was to choose a theme, a word, that pushes me outside of my comfort zone. I don't need to create....well, that stuff. I want to be stretched. I want to grow. So I started exploring other words.
Leap? Too impetuous (though a fabulous Terry Tempest Williams book).
Chance? Too "I have no control".
Courage? Too....cliche.
Try? It's not big enough as a concept.
Adventure? The ring isn't quite right, but close; it lacks implicit risk.
Dare?
Dare.
It feels comfortable in the inherent uncomfortableness of it.
So I shall. 2009 will be the year of dare.
Bring it on. I've already started practicing.
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Now playing: Allison Moorer - A Soft Place to Fall
via FoxyTunes