It's kind-of been forever again since I wrote, I know.
Somehow when I'm trying to make the pieces of everything fit, this seems to be first to go. I know some of that has simply been because I've very much been "in my head" about lots of things the last week or two, trying to sort through some stuff. I thought 12 hours in the car last weekend with me and some music would clear the haze a little. It hasn't.
So, quick updates:
Work- I'm "off service" until March 13. The concept of going an entire month with NO call nights still seems foreign, crazy to me. Not in a bad way, it's just that I honestly have no recollection of the last time I wasn't chronically sleep deprived. I'm willing to give it a try, though. Last run on service was a little rough, more emotionally than anything else. No matter how much passion I have for what I do clinically, sometimes it just hurts.
I'm grappling with trying to "work" during the day- you know, actually go to the office Monday- Friday during daylight hours and write, analyze data, work on curriculum, whatever. It's really, really hard. I was trying to blame the fact that I've done most of that stuff at night for the last several years- really from residency. Then I remembered that, no, it's been longer than that...my pattern of writing and being creative only after Noon dates clear back to college, and maybe before. I can't count how many papers I remember working on between about 9 pm and 2 am- not because I didn't have any other time to do it, but because that's when I would get into a flow with writing and could actually make progress. Crazy. Anyway, the upshot is that "regular" office hours still may not happen for me simply as a matter of productivity. I'm trying to figure out the best way to reconcile actually being in a position where I could have most of my evenings free with the fact that I would really rather have my mornings free....
Kitties- They probably deserve their own blog, but if I can't keep up with this I can't do one for them. Tucker Ted turned 5 last week and he's as fabulous and sweet as ever. He's sitting here next to me as I type with his right front paw across his eyes. Evidently I'm disrupting his late-evening nap. Belle! remains a big adventure with all of her energy and antics. That said, she's also as sweet as she can be so I'm no one to argue with her wildness. She and Tucker spent a good portion of the afternoon wrestling and chasing, which is good for both of them and entertaining for me.
Friends, love, life- I've been pretty proud of myself for bunkering less and getting out more over the last month or two. For me, I've done incredibly well. It has been a treat to really manage to maintain connection with friends who are here, and I had a wonderful weekend reconnecting with my favorite Montanans over Valentine's. I'm always amazed at and grateful for the neglect that some friendships manage to tolerate- and remain resonant, wonderful friendships in spite of (or because of?!) it.
I'm probably working out less than I should be, and I can feel a few pounds I've put back on. Some of it has been workout, some of it has been food, some of it has been ennui. I realized that to stay where I was last year that the Draconian eating and the 1 to 1 1/2 hours a day of working out just wasn't what I want in life....I wasn't drinking wine EVER, I wasn't having chocolate, I wasn't enjoying food at all, and the workouts (and food neuroses) were getting in the way of socializing. I'm working on pulling a balance back into things, trying to eat well most of the time but allow myself some slack, trying to workout but not be obsessive. Throwing yoga into the fitness mix has been great because I do adore it AND because it's actually a social/ community activity for me. That, and it's the one thing that my pissed off piriformis allows me to do without punishing me greatly; if anything it helps that issue. So, still working on balance on that front, but feeling like I'm gaining. This week I'm trying to not eat out or get takeout except for my two planned meals out- a wine dinner on Wednesday with a wonderful friend, and a supper EVENT on Saturday with friends from out of town. We'll see how this goes.
Oof, that leaves me with "love", doesn't it? That's a work in progress- in the sense of working on love more, fear less. I'm often amazed at how I can feel so secure, so together in every. other. aspect. of my life- and how quickly I can revert to these patterns of trying too hard, seeking too much approval, wanting too much.....though in truth I realize that the intensity of those things often starts when there's other (usually unrelated) white noise out there. I'm tired of overanalyzing, of spending too much time in my head, and I just want to be able to be for a while. I'm hoping that the possibility is still out there to just be with the person I would most like to do that with; sometimes it's so hard for me to take that step back and be in the moment, though watching him I sometimes wonder if he's struggling with that a little bit too. I honestly have no expectations at this point because I don't know what they would be. What I do know is that in the moments with him that I manage to be truly, completely present for.....they've been great, and they've made me more whole- sometimes when I've been a little bit broken.
So, there, caught up. I'm still me, still confused, still happy in that blur. And I best go to bed so I can try that "normal working hours" thing again tomorrow.
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Now playing: Big Head Todd & The Monsters - Beautiful Rain
via FoxyTunes