I know, I said I was on hiatus. I sort-of meant it.
Yesterday I stopped by my favorite bookstore to order several books for the France trip in June. I noticed a mug on the shelf with a quote from Parker J. Palmer, a quote that hit my radar but required a little thought. And for it to make sense, I have to provide some background.
Part of the reason that I'm on hitaus is that I'm wrestling inside my head with "stuff" right now. Nothing awful, so please don't worry. But I am trying to sort through the pieces of the last area for personal growth that showed up- unexpectedly- with my meltdown last year. You know, the marriage and kid(s) thing. I'm still uncertain of where to put it, what to do with it, what it means in the bigger picture; while all of the other issues I was struggling so greatly with seem to have found a place of comfort, this one hasn't. To be honest it's also the one that's the scariest for me because it's the one over which I ultimately have the least control. It's the one that I have the most trouble with faith that the right thing (whatever that is) will happen. It's the one area in which I feel capable of sabotaging myself straight into failure.
For those who endured the Meltdown of 2008, you'll know that in general I did an amazing job having faith and being patient as plenty of things sorted themselves out. I did an even better job not proscribing the answers I wanted to questions, but instead framing those questions in a way that the answers were even better than I might have expected or imagined. Things just fell into place. My work/ call situation got fixed. I've achieved something that looks like chaotic balance in my life. I'm integrating rather than trying to be however-many Amalias there were before.
Then we hit the issue of trusting my heart and trusting someone with my heart. Slow progress, tedious progress, and lots of backsliding along the way. Still nowhere near the destination.
So...the quote before I digress too far afield.
"Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you."
Yeah, I know, it only took me 24 hours to realize I was being hit over the head with a reminder.
And yes, I'm listening. I wonder what the message will be.