Answers from a quiz on "The Virtue Trap". Bold are the root statements, followed by my answers:
The biggest lack in my life is creative space.
The greatest joy in my life is nurturing/ mentoring.
My largest time commitment is work (am I rude for saying "DUH!" after this one?).
As I play more, I work more effectively.
I feel guilty that I am so protective of my "down time" from work.
I worry that I will fail at getting my life back into a balance that I find appropriate.
If my dreams come true, my family will love me.
I sabotage myself so that people will think I'm more average than I am and will not be intimidated.
If I let myself feel it, I'm angry that I don't speak up for me more.
One reason I get sad sometimes is that I can feel very isolated, very lonely.
What does this say or what is it trying to say? I'm not sure that I know yet. I know the message underlying the exercise is actually to be a bit more "selfish" in the sense of defending down time to do nothing. That's certainly been at the core of my existential struggle that started this summer. How on EARTH am I supposed to meet the demands of my profession and take care of myself without getting burned out and suffering the toll that I did this Spring? I've marked myself out for some "me" time in the Spring (a weekend with visiting friends, my usual Houston to Austin bicycle trek, the trip to Bordeaux in June) and I'm working on claiming some more time for frivolity, fun, and friends. I've taken several projects off of my board in my office, and there's one that I'm honestly only completing because of the political ramifications of not completing it. I'm taking time to write every morning- and that writing is for me, not for anything directly related to work. I'm trying to sneak in small opportunities to do little things that feel like I'm being naughty (I know, going to the plant sale at the Garden shouldn't feel decadent- but it did!). Honestly, it's a growth process and an evolution process. And, I'm learning, a process of accepting that I don't have to be perfect all of the time and that it's okay that I missed workouts and ate lots of takeout during my recent run in the unit- if that's what it took to keep me functional and keep me pointed in the right direction.
So, learning. Growing. Somehow they keep happening- sometimes in spite of being planted in difficult soils.
Happiness/ Gratitude List, 29 September 2008:
Having a day in a dress and heels at work. The compliments were nice, and it just felt good to not be in scrubs for a day (though my old running shoes are more comfortable than Stuart Weitzmans- I'll concede that point).
Getting all of the things off of my "must do" list before taking a couple of days off. There will be NO active working. Passive working, such as thinking about an upcoming grant application, is fine. Active working, such as finishing an in-progress manuscript or starting a new one? NO. Not before Friday.
Lazy afternoons with my feline accomplices. I honestly just frittered my afternoon and evening away when I got home tonight. Know what? It was nice. And I don't feel a bit guilty. I started to for a bit then cut off that little voice of "you should be doing something productive".
The beauty that is Lyle Lovett's voice. Enjoy the above interview- I tripped across it on KLRU and I love Lyle's discussion of being in liberal arts in A&M in 1975. The late 1980s weren't that different.
Time off. What's the best part is that everyone who knows I'm taking time off is supporting it 100%. It just proves to me how right this choice is.